There are a lot of people who are very unhappy. They may feel out of control of their lives, or their bodies. They may experience negative events happening to them without their awareness, one after another, and they feel as a victim of the circumstances. I frequently hear that phrase “I am unhappy, unhappy, and angry, and I cannot control my life, my body and my world.”
These people frequently miss their own contribution to their misfortune via their fears (mostly of the unknown) and their choices that lead to the consequences that they endure.
The Case of Eternal Unhappiness:
I have been seeing this middle-aged woman, Ana, monthly for about 10 years. She was a single mother to a teenaged son, who always seemed constantly unhappy, with bad luck in her relationships and financial circumstances, unable to fully enjoy her life.
She immigrated to the United States with two graduate degrees in economics from Central Europe but has been working as a manicurist struggling to provide for her son and herself. She thought of herself as not given the golden opportunity for successful relationships with men who could help her financially.
At the same time, she was afraid to imagine something better for herself, such as going to school, thinking that she would not have enough of the language skills to complete it (even though she was fairly proficient in English).
She was terrified to give up the little that she did have: an abusive relationship with a wealthy man with whom she was living at the time. She was hoping for a miracle, but not willing to make the first step of allowing herself to “dream bigger” in order to manifest a happier life that she always longed for.
She got into astrology awaiting a sign from above, or a chance to meet a nicer man, but was not willing to apply for a trade school that would train her in a profession with a bigger income to make her more independent in life. She was complaining of being unhappy and angry at her life circumstances, but yet afraid and not willing to change her life. It did require courage and trust that new things would show up once she was ready to give up her old life.
We are the Creators of our Own Lives
I continued to work with this woman for several years on improving her self-esteem and ability to imagine a better life step-by-step: her living situation, independence from an abusive man that was scaring her sensitive soul. She had troubles believing that she deserved better, but slowly she learned to go to her “happy” place via meditation and yoga, and evening walks that allowed her some space and happiness in her dreamworld.
Gradually new opportunities started coming to her. She began working at a new place as an esthetician, where she felt more respected and better paid. She learned to recognize that she is not a mere victim but she created her own unhappiness by resigning to what was in front of her and not stepping away from the “bad situation”. She gradually learned to dream bigger and not judge herself as being unlucky in life, as after all, she had the education and chose not to use it professionally because it required bigger efforts. Fear of the unknown and inertia were the culprits that kept her “unhappy unhappy and angry” feeling disempowered.
Gradually, dropping the fear and trusting more in her own ability to build a better life started to move her bad luck into a more enjoyable life- we are still working on her relationship, but she started to create her life outside of this relationship, which is a start of the new life.
In cases like Ana’s, I find the most liberating realization that one is not a victim of the circumstances that leads away from unhappiness. By overcoming this belief and accepting responsibility for their own choices, people tend to move into a more empowered position of a “responsible Creator” of their life with greater discernment of their choice points that lead to the unfolding of life circumstances.
KEY POINTS/BELIEFS/CONCEPTS
I believe I’m a victim
- Responsibility and Awareness:
- You signed up for it. You are here by contract with your family and other actors in your life, and all is happening for a good reason. You are directing your own “movie”.
- All these experiences are for you to learn better.
- Acknowledging your part in life situation
- You play an active role in what’s unfolding
- Fear of the unknown frequently equals fear of death or annihilation ( if I step away for this choice- I will not exist; or I will be in unfamiliar (=happier circumstance) I would not know how to deal with.
- Choices
- Choose happiness, joy in every moment. Choose to create your reality. Choose full responsibility for your life.
- Healing Solution: Cultivate courage (opposite of fear) getting out of victimhood, complete trust that you are guided by your Soul in your journey, once you make this decision, the steps will show up, and that you are “A OK”- no matter what.
Important Tools for exercising the Role of Active Creator
- Pattern spotting starting with family dynamics and other relationships
- Victim-spotting- “where and why do I feel like a victim”
- Victim vs. Willing participant “where an why did I make a choice that led to the current life situation”
- Change vibration into JOY AND HAPPINESS – Main principle: “Fake it until you make it” (example of Botox treatment for depression that erases frowns and people feel happier or less depressed; or laughter yoga where one starts laughing and it becomes infectious to others)
- Letting go / Forgiveness (examine your grudges- and forgive them one by one- you will feel lighter)
- Openness – to a new awareness or new experiences, or acknowledgement of your own creation
- Morning Intentions & Gratitude – Gratitude practices brings you into the current moment and away from past regrets or future fears- find 1-3 things to be grateful for – first thing in the morning- you will be happier.
- “Thank you that my day is perfect” Thank you that my body is whole, healthy and complete” “I live my life with love and happiness in my heart”
- Breathing: 3-3-3-3 sec breathing ( Boxed breathing that leads to 5 breath per minute and drops your blood pressure and heart rate along with stress and fear)- or simple conscious breath just following the movement of air through your breathing pathways and movement of chest, abdomen and diaphragm).
- Journaling your emotions and thoughts and offering of the coping scenarios, can make your reactions more conscious and therefore more manageable.
